WORLD—For the first time ever, Pride Month has been prematurely canceled around the world after historians revealed that the rainbow is actually a symbol that has been culturally appropriated from ancient Judaism.
"My culture is not your costume!" yelled one group of devout Jews and Christians to a passing parade.
"We are so, so, sorry for this insensitive appropriation of this beloved ancient symbol used by our Jewish friends," said Bob Pride, founder of Pride month. "We have decided to cancel Pride Month to give the LGBTQ community time to reflect, listen, and learn. We know we have caused hurt. We must do better."
According to historians, the symbol of the rainbow represents one of the oldest and most profound covenant promises in the Jewish and Christian faiths-- when God promised to not flood the entire earth again because of humans being really evil and awful all the time.
All major corporations have followed suit, taking down their rainbows and recalling all their gaudy pride month products.
"We are committed to listening and learning," said Herb O'Callahan-Fitzgerald, Director of Diversity and Inclusion for Coca-Cola. "We will not ever allow such egregious cultural appropriation to happen again. Not on our watch."