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Hot New Presidential Candidate Larry The Cucumber Promises Everyone A Water Buffalo

KITCHEN SINK—A dark horse presidential candidate has come out of nowhere: Larry the Cucumber. He shot to fame almost immediately after his promise of giving everyone a water buffalo.

"When I am president, everyone will have a water buffalo," he said at a campaign speech. "Yours may be fast, and mine may be slow, but the important thing is that we're achieving total equality when it comes to water buffalo possession in this nation." Cucumber admitted he doesn't have a plan, however, for where he will get them. "Where will we get them? Uh... I don't know. But everyone will have a water buffalo!"

Sadly, his campaign manager, Archibald Asparagus, quickly tried to walk back Cucumber's promise.

"He can't say everyone will get a water buffalo; everyone will not get a water buffalo," he said. "We're going to get nasty letters saying, 'Where's my water buffalo? The government promised me a water buffalo.' And we're just not prepared to deal with that. We don't have the infrastructure to send everyone a water buffalo. We don't have the funding in place."

Asparagus was exasperated as Larry then gave another speech promising everyone a baby kangaroo.

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