WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House sources say President Biden expressed sadness upon hearing that the nice blonde nurse who always follows him around every day has come down with COVID.

President Biden reportedly first realized his nurse might be sick when he sat down to watch Matlock, and after seven hours she had still not arrived to turn on the television.

"I'm sorry to hear that Nurse Abigail got the CovoPox. She'll be sorely missed," said Biden to reporters while attempting to put on his glasses but just repeatedly poking himself in the eyes with them. "I hear it's a nasty bug, so I'm grateful to have never come down with it."

President Biden then expressed hopes that his next nurse will "be a lot younger, preferably blonde, but I ain't picky, any young nurse would do, really."

Reports later surfaced that President Biden attempted to dress himself without assistance from his nurse, only to lose his shoes, tear his shirt, shove his head through a Washington mural, and eat the White House cat.

At publishing time, White House plumbers were working to remove an adult diaper from the kitchen garbage disposal.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.