CARMEL, IN — According to several reports, so-called "conservative" Mike Pence hasn't even been raided by the FBI yet.
"It is obvious why Pence hasn't been audited, raided, or sued," said political pundit and local dairy farmer Dale Dibbons. "It's cuz he's a dang Washington swamp RINO, that's why!"
Several experts concurred with that assessment, saying if Pence was a true conservative the federal government would be pulling out all the stops to destroy him. The fact that no one is harassing him has cast suspicions as to the authenticity of Pence's conservative beliefs. Some experts disagreed, saying the lack of FBI interest could be due to Pence's unassailable decency and integrity, but those experts were quickly condemned as "RINOs."
"I've called the FBI several times and told them my home is open any time, but no one ever showed up," said a despondent Mike Pence. "Come on, guys! I probably have classified documents and whatever! You never know! I'll even serve you coffee! Any takers?" According to witnesses, Pence even stood outside the Hoover Building with boxes full of documents, begging agents to come outside and have a look.
At publishing time, authorities responded to Pence's plea by raiding Trump again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
