U.S. — A hot new blanket is flying off the shelves and into the laps of women across the country thanks in part to its unique ability to light itself on fire.
"Ahhhhhh, it's the perfect temperature," said local wife Darla Thorp as she wrapped herself up in the fabric, which then burst into flames. "It's a perfect fall blanket. I just hope it'll be warm enough when winter rolls around."
The sizzling new product, aptly named WifeBlanket®, was first introduced at Bed Bath & Beyond and is credited with bringing the department store back from the brink of bankruptcy.
"Women love to be warm, but conventional blankets just aren't up to the task," said Branton Suggs, inventor of WifeBlanket®. "And I was sitting there, staring at my wife and wondering what to do. After setting her on fire and seeing the happy look on her face, I realized I was onto something."
WifeBlanket® uses an innovative fabric capable of withstanding flames of over 1100ºF while maintaining both comfort and style. However, women are advised to use the blanket while alone to avoid causing third-degree burns to friends and loved ones.
To date, the only negative reviews of the incredible new blanket are from men lamenting the loss of their homes to a fiery inferno. However, in most cases, they admit their wives were finally warm. "So I guess it was worth it," wrote one Amazon user. "Even though we are now homeless, she has never been happier. Happy wife, happy life, right? Right?"
At publishing time, a buy 2 get 1 free promotion was announced so that wives could wear three blankets at a time in case one wasn't enough.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
