VATICAN CITY—The Pope has declared that the Catholic Church will no longer accept any donations its members give out of their wealth earned by capitalism.
The declaration takes effect immediately. Catholic parishes are asked to monitor donations given during the offertory. Parishioners are to fill out a form stating where they got the money. If it did not come from the government, but rather, from an evil, capitalist job, the money is to be given back to the church member.
"We don't want your dirty capitalist pig dollars," said Pope Francis. "Keep your money earned by oppressing workers and minorities. Only money earned via equitable redistribution of wealth, in model Christian countries like China and North Korea, will be acceptable to the Lord's Church."
The Pope frantically backtracked on his comments after donations fell to zero dollars.