U.S.—A new poll released Wednesday revealed that the majority of the nation want impeachment hearings to continue as long as possible so that Congress will be too busy to meddle with our lives.
70% of the nation agreed that the House was doing a "fine job" on the impeachment hearings, saying that it's great that Congress is doing something other than pass terrible laws for once. 5% responded to the survey by saying they would prefer Congress stop the hearings and do their jobs, while a strong 25% said they weren't even aware impeachment hearings were going on. This latter group is the happiest of the bunch.
The impeachment inquiry has even sparked something of a revival, as people across the country are praying that impeachment hearings will go on indefinitely so that politicians in Washington will be too distracted by them to bother us very much.
"Lord, please let Adam Schiff and his people take as long as they need," said one man in California during his nightly prayers. "May they call millions of witnesses, investigate every lead, and leave no stone unturned. May they speak slowly. May they investigate all the way through Trump's second term and---dare I ask too much?---his third and fourth terms too."
"Please, Lord---the more distracted Congress is, the better for all of us."