U.S.—The DNC has announced a controversial new debate format after pressure from both the Sanders and Biden campaigns in which the candidates will stand at podiums that are equipped with Life Alert buttons in case the debaters fall down and can't get up.
Life Alert, which is sponsoring the debate, is supplying the podiums free of charge.
The candidates, who are old and may collapse to the ground at any moment, will be able to press the button should they suddenly have a heart attack or just have no idea where they are. Aides will then be able to come up and either stand them back up and hold them upright for the duration of the debate or tell them, "Hey, Joe, the year is 2020 and you're running for president. Joe! Speak to me Joe! JOOOOE!!!"
"Help! I've fallen and I can't rebut!" Biden shouted during a test run of the new podiums, as he was both unable to stand back up or respond to Sanders in any kind of coherent manner. "Also, who is the current president and who are all these little Oompa Loompas dancing around me in this mushroom forest? Flibberdoodle!"
Later on during the test run, Biden brought up Sanders's three houses in a rare moment of lucidity, and a panicked Sanders smacked the button rather than actually address the fact that he's a very rich socialist.
As a contingency plan, the DNC is also preparing a pair of hospital beds the candidates could be transferred to mid-debate.
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