U.S. — Three months have passed since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, and Planned Parenthood has since struggled to reach its goals of lovingly killing unborn babies and harvesting their parts for money due to conservative states outlawing the practice. As a result, the organization has begun to hire long-range snipers to perform abortions in red states.
"Adversity breeds creativity," said Planned Parenthood CEO Lucifer S. Bloodleech while handing out photos of pregnant women to snipers heading to states like Texas and Mississippi. "We brainstormed poisoning water supplies, nuking Utah, and more. But in the end, we felt hiring long-range snipers to be the most effective use of taxpayer dollars."
When asked whether they considered the fact that women who choose to give birth express joy at welcoming a baby into the world regardless of the difficulty, uncertainty, and inconvenience, Bloodleech gave a ponderous pause but was interrupted by a demonic underling reporting that one sniper was perched in a tree overlooking a minority neighborhood.
"Jackpot!" said Bloodleech, "Open fire."
At publishing time, Planned Parenthood had lobbied California to legalize high-capacity magazines so they could murder more babies at once.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
