WASHINGTON, D.C. - As the nation's high court met Tuesday to consider potential restrictions to abortion rights, a group of sweaty Planned Parenthood executives huddled in a conference room listening to the opening arguments, looking extremely nervous for people who were only set to lose 3% of their revenue if abortion is outlawed.
One member of the group, CFO Ian Fanticide, spoke solemnly with reporters about what a potential overturning of Roe Vs. Wade could mean for the country. "As you know, Planned Parenthood provides a number of women's health services to the community," Fanticide said. "If abortion rights are overturned or severely restricted, we may not be able to stay in business."
A reporter pressed Fanticide on this remark, as Planned Parenthood has routinely said abortion is only a small percent of what the group does. "It's true that abortion is only 3% of what we do," he noted. "However, about 94% of our revenue comes from things like abortion counseling, abortion-related paperwork, and selling fetal parts to vaccine manufacturers. Those core women's health services are at risk of disappearing forever."
Fanticide then cut the interview short to take a call about a new job opportunity at a local slaughterhouse.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
