PI RAMESSE - In a press conference today, the divine ruler of Egypt confirmed what many feared: the locusts and the Nile River turning to blood - plagues that have tormented the nation for several weeks - are likely the result of climate change.
"My astrologers and magicians have confirmed it," said Ramses. "It's an undeniable fact that human impact on the environment has made the sun god Ra very angry and we only have 12 years left to greatly decrease the population of Hebrews, or the Nile will freeze or something. Anyone who disagrees with me is racist."
When asked by the people what the word "racist" meant, he responded: "It's complicated, but trust me - you don't want to be it. It's almost as bad as denying science."
When asked what "denying science" was, he replied "It's basically the same thing as being on the wrong side of history. You don't want my historians to write bad things about you on my obelisk, do you?"
At this, the people shrieked in horror and promised Pharaoh they would do whatever he told them to do.
"I think... pay more taxes," he replied.