NEW YORK, NY—Following the popular trend of providing consumers constant access to products or services they think they need, Pfizer has announced a subscription service that will provide monthly COVID-19 vaccines to all members, called Pfizer+.
Pfizer+ offers the following additional benefits:
- Monthly vaccine booster
- Access to some of Pfizer’s other popular drugs
- Gold badge for social media virtue signals
- Video library of the mainstream media shaming unvaccinated individuals
Pfizer+ will also launch with a Super Premium Plus tier for the consumer who just can’t get enough of giant pharmaceutical companies with shady pasts. Benefits include:
- An autographed photo of Dr. Fauci
- A mobile app that alerts you when an unvaccinated person is nearby
- Monthly shipment of masks
Monthly fees for the service will be $5.99 per month, and Pfizer has partnered with the IRS to extract the monthly fee from all taxpayers for the foreseeable future.
On launch day, the pharmaceutical giant announced Pfizer+ subscriptions had generated enough profits to pay for the billions of dollars in criminal and civil lawsuits stemming from decades of false advertising, data manipulation, bribing foreign government officials, and lying to doctors.