GROTON, CT - Thanks to generous funding from the Biden Administration, Pfizer Research & Development has announced a vaccine with 98% effectiveness against independent thinking, self-reliance, and general desires for liberty.
"Thanks to a $4 billion taxpayer-funded grant, our most scientific scientists have successfully created a vaccine to eradicate the virulent strain of independent thought sweeping through our nation," said Pfizer's head of research and development, Bob Petri. "Natural immunity to independent thinking exists, but that requires a combination of lax parenting, progressive college education, and self-deception regarding the role of government. Pfizer now offers a simpler solution."
The head researcher continued, reminding nervous journalists that this virus has been in circulation through American communities since 1776, but became more prolific some time in 2016 due to a variant dubbed "MAGAcron."
"In fact," said Mr. Petri, "50% of all January 6 protesters were found to be infected with this dangerous virus. The other 50% were possibly immune because they were all FBI agents."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
