FORT MYERS, FL — With hurricane deaths reaching pandemic levels, Pfizer has announced emergency FDA approval of their new, untested hurricane vaccine, Hurriprofitol®.

"It looks like we get to save humanity again, for a small fee," said Pfizer CEO, Brandolph Cashsniffer in a press release printed on diamond-infused gold vellum. "Hurriprofitol® has come at a vital time for the world when millions are dying from hurricanes, hurricane-related illnesses, hurricane-associated diseases, Sudden Hurricane Death Syndrome, hurricane-adjacent strokes, and hurricane gout."

Following the announcement, California governor Gavin Newsom mandated that all residents get the Hurriprofitol® jab if they wanted to leave their homes. Other liberal governors in non-hurricane states quickly followed suit, citing reports from The Science.

"Hey, whaddaya know, a chance to be on TV, how 'bout that?" said The Science, Dr. Anthony Fauci in a presser organized by Dr. Anthony Fauci. "I'd like to remind all my fans out there that I've always said the hurricane pandemic is a pandemic of the hurricane unvaccinated. Ooh, booster time!"

At publishing time, stalwart conservative lawmakers took a principled stance against hurricane vaccine mandates while simultaneously cashing out millions of dollars in Pfizer stocks.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.