WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg has proudly announced that the U.S. has managed to go a whole 24 hours without any trains flying off the tracks and exploding into balls of fire while spewing deadly chemicals into the air.
"This is a momentous achievement for our country," said Buttigieg to a cheering crowd. "All the choo-choo-trains are still on the tracks! And it's been a whole day! So many people worked hard to accomplish this goal and we were successful. This is definitely because I'm gay."
The Transportation Secretary was clear, however, that his work is still not done. "We still have a long way to go," he continued. "Clearly, some trains are racist, and we must stop them. Some train tracks are still racist, and we must dismantle them and then rebuild them using construction workers of color. I am gay."
The Department of Transportation confirmed it will spare no resources to make sure America can go another 24 hours without a historic transportation disaster, or maybe at least 12 hours or an hour or two.
At publishing time, Buttigieg had decided to delay his presidential campaign announcement until everyone forgets about this whole thing.
UPDATE: Another train carrying deadly chemicals has derailed.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
