PHILADELPHIA, PA—The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania began working this week on an audit of the 2020 election.
And despite criticism from Democrats, the audit quickly unearthed at least one minor anomaly. That’s because just 78 seconds into the independent audit an official came across a ballot which had been digitally signed by University of Pennsylvania founder Benjamin Franklin. Franklin, if he were alive today, would be 316 years old; and, due to a technicality, has now become the oldest person ever to vote in a U.S. presidential election.
“So yeah, these Democrats are gonna have a lot of explaining to do,” said Mike Lindell, who just happened to be in town selling some pillows but figured he should make an appearance at the audit just in case. “I told you people all along this was fraud, and look at this: BENJAMIN FRANKLIN! YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?!?! GUY’S BEEN DEAD FOR 250 YEARS! I told you this thing was rigged!”
Lindell then announced that if the audit overturns the election in favor of Trump, he will give a free MyPillow to every Pennsylvania voter, living or dead.
It didn’t take auditors long to uncover other Biden voters who just didn’t quite fit the bill. Within hours auditors discovered that James Buchanan, Henry J. Heinz, and even Betsy Ross had all cast votes for Joe Biden in the 2020 election.