WASHINGTON, D.C. — Since her involuntary retirement from her lucrative gig as Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been seen lingering on the street corners of the National Mall with a cardboard sign that says "Will trade stock tips 4 food."
"We're not sure where the congresswoman's millions of dollars all went, but it's clear this firing has affected her finances severely," said TMZ reporter Jeffrey McHara, speaking over a grainy video of Pelosi panhandling, acknowledging that the footage was difficult to watch due to the Speaker's having gone four days without a hair salon visit.
With experts saying she will not seek reelection to a leadership role, most onlookers had expected Pelosi's firing would allow her to spend more time focusing on her family and insider trading. These hopes have been tempered, however, by the footage of Speaker Pelosi without her dentures and formal eyebrows, panhandling in public.
At publishing time, former Speaker Pelosi was able to transcend homelessness after she identified as transgender, causing her hometown of San Francisco to approve her for the "Guaranteed Income for Trans People (GIFT)" program. She will now be receiving a $1,200 per month stipend to supplement any additional monies she is able to make from selling nonpublic information about the stock market.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
