Politics U.S.
New 2020 Candidate Pedro Promises To Make Nation's Wildest Dreams Come True

U.S.—Local high school student Pedro Sanchez has announced his 2020 run on a platform of offering the nation his protection and making everyone's wildest dreams come true.

Sanchez's campaign manager, Mr. Dynamite, pointed out that he has a sweet bike, is really good at hooking up with chicks, and has a mustache. He also said everyone who votes for Pedro will be given a lanyard, signifying they are under the protection of Pedro. The candidate is also the only one running for president who has come out in favor of bringing more Holy Santos into the country to guard the nation and bring us good luck.

"If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true," Pedro said, causing wild cheers to erupt from Democrats gathered in the high school auditorium where he announced his campaign. "Thank you."

Democratic frontrunners quickly fired back, with Bernie Sanders saying he will make even your wildest dream to have 3 houses come true and Beto saying he was more authentically Hispanic than Sanchez. 

"Only I can make your wildest dreams come true," said Elizabeth Warren, hitting back. "Sanchez may have the Holy Santos and the support of the FFA, but I'm a Native American." She then performed an Indian rain dance, though it was quickly eclipsed by Dynamite's own dance routine, which received a standing ovation.

Joe Biden would have responded to Sanchez's announcement but wasn't sure where he was or what year it was.

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.