WESTMINSTER, CO — According to sources, a so-called "Zoomer" is actually low-key trying hard at life and caring about things. Totally cringe. Whatever.
"I look at my friends, and they're all kinda depressed and rotting," said absolute dweeb Austin Campbell. "I actually like doing stuff. Today I built a ship in a bottle. It slapped. I don't even really know what doomscrolling is… is that, like, mandatory? Am I behind? I feel like I should be doing whatever my friends are doing, but they're not doing anything at all. No cap."
Campbell's friends confirmed they were annoyed that he kept putting in effort for no reason.
"It's weird behavior," said friend John Raskin. "I literally spent 18 straight hours watching YouTube and then DoorDash'd Baskin-Robbins to myself. That's the vibe. That's what you're supposed to be doing at our age. Meanwhile, this guy has ‘hobbies' and ‘interests.' I can't even get him to just sit down and watch Instagram Reels with me like a normal person."
The 21-year-old Campbell said he mostly enjoys building things with his hands and hanging out with friends and family IRL.
"Honestly," he said, "it kinda beats doing nothing and feeling empty about it."
At press time, Campbell had been removed from his friend group after suggesting they all play a board game together, an act widely condemned as try-hard behavior and deeply unserious.
Trump sings your favorite Christmas songs!
