U.S. — The results of a new study on violent video games appear to show that parents are concerned that non-violent video games are turning their kids into sissies.
Kids who play non-violent games are reportedly ten times wimpier than kids who play violent games, according to the study.
"When I was his age, I was turning Mecha Hitler into hamburger meat in Wolfenstein," said Philip Anderson, a father whose son served as a study subject. "How is Animal Crossing going to prepare him for the harsh realities of life? Look at him. He's watering flowers. How is this a game?"
According to the study, 90% of parents believe non-violent games about making friends or doing chores have made their kids soft. "My boys keep trying to talk things out and reason with bullies," said Heather Baxter, a mother whose three children participated in the study. "I never should have let them play Cooking Mama. What was I thinking?"
Officially, the study only observed a correlation between non-violent games and being "a total dweeb who cries all the time", but experts believe it's a good reason to be cautious. They recommend kids as young as five begin playing Mortal Kombat as soon as possible.
"Minecraft taught kids to build shelter and hide from their enemies. If you were caught out at night fighting zombies, you were the loser," observed Dr. Van Charleston. "We're weakening our own kids."
At publishing time, the published study had reportedly encouraged doctors to incorporate games like Doom and Turok: Dinosaur Hunter into the childhood vaccine schedule.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
