FLAGSTAFF, AZ — Bob and Louise Herman reportedly caused ruinous, irredeemable destruction on their teenager's life forever for the fifth time today.
According to sources, 16-year-old Austin Herman can literally not even anymore.
"It's like they're trying to destroy my life on purpose," said Austin in a group text to his friends from a practically-prehistoric iPhone SE while sitting in a crappy Honda Civic his parents forced him to drive to school where his peers could hear the timing belt squeal. "Will the suffering ever subside?"
Below is an uncensored timeline of the permanent and lasting damage caused to Austin's life today alone. Sensitive readers be warned:
7:48 AM - Austin wakes up late only to realize his good hoodie was crumpled in his laundry pile and his mom hadn't nagged him all weekend to do his laundry and today is Hoodie Spirit Day at school.
7:57 AM - Dad calls him "Champ." Definitive abuse.
10:13 AM - Mom has her phone on speaker when he calls her between classes to ask about zit cream.
3:15 PM - Mom posts an Instagram Story about his laundry pile. Dead.
7:10 - Mom and Dad insist Austin stay home and spend time with family rather than go hang with friends. Hell is paradisiacal compared to this torment.
At publishing time, Austin was literally dying after learning a Babylon Bee article had been written about him.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.