KENSETT, AR — Instead of the normal peace that comes following church attendance, Ben and Joan Witwell reportedly became stressed on Sunday when, after sitting through an inspiring sermon on the book of Hosea, they were forced to explain to their children what "whoredom" was.
According to sources, Debbie (8) and Nathaniel (7) had detailed questions about the lesson. The Witwells had been teaching their children — even little Debbie, age 6 — to take notes during the sermon to help them pay attention. Unfortunately, after the lesson, they were inundated with questions about the meaning of whoredom and what a harlot is.
"Daddy, what is an 'adultery?' Is it bad?" Nathaniel asked, according to a source familiar with the matter. "Can you explain it in detail?"
Joan later confided with her friend group about the incident. "I've encouraged my kids to discuss sermons with me for years, and when they finally do, it is all about Hosea marrying a harlot," she said. "I still don't know what to tell them. I told them I had to go to the bathroom and have been avoiding them ever since."
In Hosea, God commanded his prophet to marry a woman of whoredom to symbolize how Israel treats the Lord. It can be a difficult subject to tackle even among mature Christians, never mind children who have yet to learn the birds and the bees.
Mr. Witwell attempted to explain the situation before having to tap out. "Well, you know how parents do a thing where they make babies? It's kind of like that, but — uh — not nice. So God wanted Hosea to marry someone who wasn't nice. So, that's it. Sort of."
At publishing time, the Witwells were already dreading the upcoming Sunday sermon on the story of Onan.
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