U.S.—After almost a year of suffering under a devastating killer pandemic, America was relieved to learn that the pandemic is officially over.
"We knew Joe Biden was the great healer who would bind all our wounds, open the eyes of the blind, and restore freedom to the captives," said Brian Stelter in a tear-filled monologue. "But we truly underestimated just how powerful Biden's healing powers were. We are proud to declare this pandemic officially over. It went away. Just like a miracle. Praise be!"
As it turns out, Biden's secret plan to deal with the pandemic was simply to get elected. At this point, it's not entirely clear how Biden's election is related to the departure of COVID, but scientists said they don't really feel like looking into it because they're so tired from doing so much science all year without any breaks.
Biden has been awarded the Nobel Prize in every category for his brilliant handling of the virus. In a speech to a captive audience that was actually captive because they were there under contract, Biden said: "I'm glad I was finally able to deliver you all from the horrible, you know -- the thing!"