World
Hamas Calls For An Israeli ‘Cease-To-Exist-Fire’

GAZA —After a brutal 11 days of violence between Israelis and Palestinians, some Palestinians have proposed a peaceful path forward. Their solution is to simply request that all Israelis stop existing immediately. 

“This land has gone far too long without lasting, meaningful peace. That is why today we are calling for an Israeli ‘Cease To Exist-Fire’,” announced Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. “Think of this in the same way as a normal ceasefire, but instead of a war ending, it’s a small specific group of people. Finally, we will have no more pain, no more fear, no more rockets, and no more Jews.”

This move is being hailed by the media as a truly remarkable and historic step forward and anyone who doesn’t agree is clearly an anti-peace warmonger. “How didn’t we think of this sooner?!” said an AP reporter, Jonathan Hallali. “Think of the lives that could’ve been saved if all of the Israelis stopped existing days ago!”

Despite the seemingly perfect solution proposed, Israelis have been quite disagreeable and unwilling to compromise with this simple request. “It just goes to show you that the Israelis were never serious about peace in the first place.” Hallali continued. “It doesn’t get any fairer than this and yet they continue to exist out of spite!”

While no deal has been made yet with the Israelis, all Palestinians have preemptively been given a Nobel Peace Prize just for even suggesting this idea. 

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