LAS VEGAS, NV—The serene painting of Jesus that a local family has hanging over their living room mantel spoke out Tuesday, revealing that it was in need of intensive therapy after observing the wanton blasphemy, drunkenness, lust, gossip, apathy, racism, violent outbursts, lewdness, vanity, and other grievous sins the Kerrigan family freely commits day in and day out.
The visibly shaken portrayal of Jesus, which somewhat resembles Patrick Swayze’s character in Point Break, told reporters it was time to move on from the family’s home. “I just don’t think they get it. They know God is watching them all the time—they even have me staring at them as a constant, glaring reminder. But man, you wouldn’t know it from the way they live. You would not believe the things they do and say when no one else is around.”
“The things I’ve seen . . .” the painting tried to continue but trailed off, unable to finish as it began having a nervous breakdown before being rushed off the scene by paramedics.
A similar painting of Jesus hanging in the foyer of the family’s church was puzzled at the developments. “That’s not the family I know at all. The Kerrigans are always friendly and smiling—even telling everyone who asks they’re doing ‘great’ and that they don’t even need any specific prayers right now.”
At publishing time, Mr. and Mrs. Kerrigan were considering replacing the missing painting with a professional family portrait overlaid with the text of Joshua 24:15—“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”