LOS ANGELES — In a touching message to fans, Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne has announced he is "retiryouknow, the thing with Sabbath and the flibberyloo, an-n-n Tony andi wit the bloody timeof our lives, mate."

"I luhthu fans, futhin right by th love, Sabbath badboy innit?" said Osbourne in a statement. "Heavy meh-ahl don by me knackered cheeky bodger an hodd ROCK! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

The 74-year-old singer, who has been struggling with health issues for years, announced the premature end of his European tour, much to the dismay of fans. Many are still speculating as to whether he will ever perform again, or whether he'll just bagsy up the next benderyouknow for all th-birds, yeahalright.

"Et-ah love-y inna bobbish, yeh mates alright!" said Osbourne toward the end of his statement. "Sharon wantsa you know all over the house, takea nap inna boot now, cheerio."

When asked for comment on Ozzy's retirement, former bandmate and Sabbath founder Tony Iommi said, "What?'

At publishing time Ozzy had crossa lineya flibber, gotta geh-upn' do eht-anyway.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.