KNOXVILLE, TN — According to sources local man Derrick Chatum has been putting on weight at an alarming rate. This year alone, his weight inflation has swelled to 8.5%. To put his concerned doctor at ease, Derrick has explained that his weight inflation for the month is 0.
"I got one number for you this month, Doc. It's 0. That's right zero. Nada. Zilch!" explained Derrick. "See my unprecedented and historic 8.5% weight inflation is all under control. Nothing to worry about!"
"In fact, my doctor was expecting my weight gain to be up by 8.7%, but boy did I prove him wrong! My weight gain is only up 8.5% for the year. So take that, Doc!" Derrick added enthusiastically. "So I don't want to hear any more complaining about my size or concerns for my health — I've clearly got this problem solved."
According to sources, Derrick's wife Catherine has pointed out several simple solutions to reduce his weight inflation, but Derrick has been seemingly insistent on doing the exact opposite. She has urged him to try eating less, buying less junk food, and to try working out, but Derrick assures her his weight is no longer an issue.
At publishing time, Derrick decided to put the Chatum household on a health plan he called the Weight Inflation Reduction Act, which is set to promote health and fight weight inflation by massively increasing their fast food, door dash, and cable package budgets.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.