VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis issued a papal bull Thursday authorizing the production of a new HM-18X Assault Rosary. The pope detailed key features of the innovative new rosary in his edict, including rapid-fire decades, an extended crucifix clip, and a laser sight for as yet undisclosed reasons.
"For centuries the holy rosary has been our greatest and most stylish tool to fight evil," said Pope Francis during morning mass in St. Peter's Basilica. "But the time has come for more aggressive spiritual warfare to fight evil climate change and protect marginalized communities."
"Oh, and serve God," he quickly added.
Parishioners in attendance were gifted a free prototype of the HM-18X Assault Rosary. Sources indicate many were able to use an advanced telescopic sight to aim thoughts and prayers at friends and family up to 400 yards away.
Swiss Guards deployed in Vatican City have advised Catholics not to aim the new rosary at anyone they do not wish to bless.
Pope Francis closed his homily this morning by adding, "The modern world keeps us busy but now we can quickly blow through the mysteries of the rosary in about 30 seconds. Perfect for the Catholic on the go!"
A pew research study indicates conservative Catholics have latched onto the new rosary, impressed by how many prayers they can shoot off in five minutes. Liberal Catholics are dismayed at what they see as "too much prayer" and are currently advocating for common sense rosary reform.
At publishing time, Father Gary Thomas, a notable exorcist in the United States, praised the new rosary for enabling him to quickly headshot demons and activate the "Deus Vult" kill streak.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
