JUNEAU, AK — According to sources, a local man who is apparently unfamiliar with people believes people are basically good.
"Yeah, man, I think pretty much everyone is good at heart," said the man who has never seen the contents of another person's heart or bothered to look at his own. "It's just the systems we create that cause all the bad stuff in the world. If we could just fix the systems, we'd fix everything!"
The man went on to say that if he were put in charge of the system, things would finally be just and equitable for everyone for the first time in history. Sources say he was completely oblivious to the fact that every bloodthirsty tyrant in history thought exactly as he did.
"Yessiree, there's nothing wrong with us. If we all could just live our own truths and do what we feel is right in our own eyes while I run everything to make sure it's just and equitable, the world would definitely be a better place," said the adorably naive man.
At publishing time, the man announced he was running for Congress.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
