WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what's being hailed as a 14-dimensional Go move, President Trump added a Black Lives Matter decal to his SUV so he can take as many trips outside the hospital as he wants, and the media won't be able to claim he's spreading COVID.

"Checkmate," Trump said as he smiled and waved to reporters. "This is fantastic. Now, if I want to go grab a milkshake from the McDonald's drive-thru -- bam, Black Lives Matter sticker. Can't touch me. Can't criticize me. It's beautiful. Tremendous, really."

With his newfound freedom, Trump instructed his motorcade to drive around the city. The president waved at supporters -- referred to as "peaceful protesters" -- and stopped at the drive-in to catch Tenet. He even shared a bucket of popcorn with Secret Service agents, and not a single reporter was able to claim he was spreading the virus, thanks to his handy decal.

"Well, that was a bust," Trump said as his Chevy Suburban pulled out of the movie theater to take him back to the hospital. "That didn't make any sense at all. Did I need to understand Interstellar to make heads or tails of that? What a terrible movie. We should have seen Trolls."