HOUSTON, TX - Joel Osteen has been ordered to wear a mask by Houston public health officials, not for coronavirus reasons but for the spiritual health of those around him.

The special soundproof mask is designed to prevent the spread of particles, false teaching, and prosperity gospel nonsense from Osteen to those around him. It was designed specifically for Osteen. If this method of slowing the spread of false doctrine is successful, the masks can be mass-manufactured for other preachers like Kenneth Copeland, Benny Hinn, and Creflo Dollar.

Osteen protested against the order, saying, "MMFFFF!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMFFF! MMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!"

Despite his complaints, Osteen is cooperating with the order and preached an entirely silent sermon Sunday morning. The message was considered by many to be "his best in years."