NEW YORK, NY — Alumni past and present gathered at the steps of Low Library on Columbia's Morningside campus in New York City to celebrate the awarding of an honorary doctorate to none other than Osama Bin Laden.
"This is such a tremendous honor," said Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib who accepted the award on behalf of the late Osama Bin Laden. "I'm sure that wherever Osama is, he's ignoring all 72 of his virgins to look down on us for a moment and smile."
Columbia University typically awards honorary degrees during the annual commencement ceremony in May, but an exception was made in light of the recent popularity of Osama Bin Laden on TikTok. "I used to think Osama Bin Laden was bad, but I guess he's actually pretty cool," said Dean of Students Ramanda Ukraine. "He clearly exemplifies the ideals of the University through his leadership in noble resistance and decolonization efforts against Western Civilization, and also, his seething hatred of Jews."
"I mean, what a dynamite guy," they added.
Columbia University, whose famous alumni include Alexander Hamilton and Brian Dennehy, will now call Osama Bin Laden an honorary Doctor in the field of Gender Studies.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
