Opinion
Op-Ed: God, I Know You Promised Not To Send Another Flood, But It’s Ok, Really

Hey God, so look… Remember that one time You flooded the entire earth?

Yeah, of course You do. Right. Sorry. 

Well, You know how You promised never to do it after that?

Again, I know You remember that, but I was just thinking… I get that it was supposed to be a one-time deal. I totally get that. It was absolutely devastating, and You promised to never do it again.

I’m not one to question Your infinite wisdom, but hear me out on this, okay? That was a long time ago. I know You gave us the rainbow as a symbol of Your promise never to do that again, but honestly, rainbows don’t even mean that anymore.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is... It’s okay, really. On behalf of humanity, You’re off the hook.

...Not that You were ever on the hook! I mean, You’re God; You can do whatever You want! You get what I’m saying here (because You’re God).

We’ve had a pretty good run as a species --fantastic, even. We invented cars and the internet and sporks. We’ve even been to the moon! So, You know, it’s not like You’d be ending things before we’d reached our full potential.

I just think it’s important to know when to call it. Pack it in, throw in the towel, go home, etc.

And honestly, You couldn't pick a more perfect time to do it (I mean, You probably could). I think most people will be really understanding about it. Heck, we’re mostly nihilists anyway. What are we gonna do, get mad at You for destroying a bunch of lives that supposedly don’t have any objective value?

And here’s the best part: With all the talk of climate change, everybody is already expecting it! Like, they were predicting it was already going to be flooded by 2015. So if anything, You’re at least five years behind schedule!

...Not that You could ever be behind schedule. Your timing is perfect, of course.

All I’m saying is please just give it some thought. With everything else going on this year, You could just slip it in. We might not even notice!

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