COLUMBUS, OH — After Ohio's vote to enshrine the right to murder babies even after the moment of birth, The Ohio State University has announced that long-time mascot "Brutus" will be replaced with the demon Moloch.
"Yay, Moloch!" shouted adoring fans as the demon sprinted onto the field. "Oh, here comes the band! Man, I love when the sousaphone player dots the 'i' in 'abortion'. So epic!"
Though Moloch had steadily made inroads in Ohio for years, the demon notorious for child murder had never quite gotten the recognition he deserved. "It's been a long time coming," said Moloch. "Bit by bit, I have once again convinced people that the way you get what you want out of life is by killing your kid. It's exactly the same thing I got people to believe thousands of years ago when they burned their babies on an altar -- that I would grant them the life they wished for in exchange for their children. It's taken a long time, but I'm right back where I was four thousand years ago. Now if you'll excuse me," said Moloch, back-flipping his way across the end zone and then running up to the student section. "I say, 'Child!' You say, 'Sacrifice!'"
Though deeply crushed, believers in the sanctity of life across Ohio have vowed to continue the fight to protect children. "Every child deserves the chance to grow up - even if it means growing up in Ohio," said Canton native Brett Laubacher. "Sadly, there will be fewer Ohioans now. Fewer kids will be born, and fewer people will move here as 'We don't kill our kids' was pretty much the only thing Ohio still had going for it."
At publishing time, Moloch was reportedly looking a bit nervous as the Fighting Irish arrived.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.