U.S. — Multiple sources lauded presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy's performance at last night's GOP debate, making him the clear frontrunner of people who will never be President.
"Wow, what a stellar performance by Vivek," said conservative commentator Fidge McNithers to his podcast audience of 12. "He was informed, entertaining, and presidential. This is incredible, considering he won't be President."
Pundits from Fox News, NBC, CNN, and others were in agreement. "Vivek, who will not be the Republican candidate in next year's election, really knocked it out of the park," said CNN anchor Chris Matthews to his cable news audience of 10. "He also nailed the 'I'm an arrogant, insufferable tool' personality type Americans love in a president, which Vivek will never be."
Other commentators disagreed, insisting that among the group of candidates on stage who will never step one foot in the Oval Office in an official capacity for the remainder of their lives, DeSantis and Haley had the best performances.
"We really need to wait and see, because this could be anyone's race," said former CNN anchor Brian Stelter to his audience of a single votive candle featuring a saintly image of Dr. Fauci. "I prefer to wait and see who comes out on top of this group of future non-presidential candidates."
At publishing time, Tim Scott had emerged as the new frontrunner after showing off his girlfriend who will never be First Lady.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
