WORLD — In a stunning reversal from decades of scientific consensus, scientists have now revealed that the planet is hurtling toward a devastating ice age and that we need to pump as much CO2 into the atmosphere as possible or we're all going to die.
"Welp, it looks like we may have made a few minor miscalculations," said Dr. Bjørn Jarlnjørd of the Norwegian Center for Studying Apocalyptic Science (NCSAS). "I think we may have forgotten to carry the '1' somewhere or something, I'm not really sure. But the long story short is that the planet is actually cooling and we're all going to freeze to death if we don't all start our SUVs and rev them around the clock immediately."
Already, news outlets around the world have announced that "the science has changed" and that every coal plant, monster truck, private jet, fracking drill, and gas-powered leaf blower must be turned on immediately to save humanity from a frozen tundra of death. "We were wrong! God help us, we were so wrong!" said a shivering Neil deGrasse Tyson as he fired up his gas-powered generator. "Why were we afraid of the very chemical we breathe out? It's food for plants! It's natural! What have we done?!"
Governments are responding too, already having acted quickly to ban all solar and wind power, and have promised thousands of new taxes and regulations which they promise will solve the problem somehow.
At publishing time, Elon Musk had offered his help with the announcement of a new gas-powered Tesla.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
