EAST PALESTINE, OH — Government officials are warning residents of East Palestine to protect themselves from deadly health risks by making sure they've received the latest COVID booster.
"In light of the ongoing environmental and health crisis in rural Ohio, we are urging all citizens to make sure they are up to date on their vaccinations," said Ohio Health Department spokesperson Danze Pickleton. "The chemicals being spilled into the water and burned into the air are nothing compared to the deadly power of the latest variant XBB.1.5. Get your booster, East Palestinians!"
The Ohio DOH reiterated that it's essential to get vaccinated, especially if you are traveling to a new place after losing your home to a deadly chemical spill and are being forced to leave under threat of arrest.
"If there's one thing we care about here in government it's your health. Please get vaccinated," said Pickleton.
At publishing time, the Department of Transportation had recommended preventing future chemical spills by making everyone turn in their guns.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
