WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden campaign is ecstatic that Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race, making Joe Biden the presumed nominee of the Democrat party. Campaign aides broke the news to Joe Biden during his nightly campaign meeting, where they traditionally sit down to remind Joe what his name is and that he’s running for president.
Biden set down his glass of warm milk and danced a jig upon hearing the news. He then ran out into the street in his silk pajamas and stocking cap to go to his friend Barack Obama’s house to secure the endorsement he had long waited for.
According to sources, Obama came to the door but refused to open it. “Lookie here Joe,” Obama was heard saying through the $80,000 oak door. “There’s uh… still plenty of time in this race. Let’s not be, um… too hasty here, OK, Joe?” Biden was then seen collapsing at Obama’s doorstep in a puddle of tears before a team of aides and nurses picked him up and led him back to the safety of his basement.
“Listen, let me be perfectly clear,” Obama told reporters after the incident. “We need to be open to the idea that someone else, anyone else at all, may decide to run for president. Anyone. Literally anyone. You uh… never know! I will hold my endorsement until then.”
Several anonymous sources close to the Obamas have reported that Obama is planning to just endorse himself, even though he isn’t running for president.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.