U.S. — Despite rising tension within the Democratic Party and uncertainty regarding President Joe Biden's cognitive capacity and fitness to remain in the presidential race, former President Barack Obama reassured the nation that he is still running the country.

Obama's calming message that he remained in firm control of the United States came as a relief to millions of Americans who had begun to believe that their country was being supervised by a mentally defective dementia patient who lost his grasp of reality years ago.

"Don't worry, America, I'm still at the wheel," Obama said in a brief public statement. "Though I moved out of the White House in January 2017 following my two official terms, that doesn't mean I retired. I have been running things the last few years from behind the scenes while Joe walked around under the impression he was in charge. I want all Americans to know that the country is in my sure hands, just as it was back when I was behind the desk in the Oval Office… though I do still sneak back in every now and then to sit in the chair."

With calls for Biden to step down and let someone else take the Democratic nomination coming from prominent voices in government, media, and entertainment, Obama stressed that even if Biden remains in the race, re-electing him was the best way to make sure the Obama administration remained in power. "Don't worry about Joe," Obama said. "He'll be fine while we keep telling him he's president, and all of you can rest easy knowing that I'm still in the driver's seat."

At publishing time, Obama also assured voters that they still wouldn't ever have to worry about Hillary Clinton being president.

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