PYONGYANG—The Democratic People's Republic of Korea reported today that Kim Jong Un is not dead and in fact is "the most alive person in the universe."
"American fake news says Supreme Leader is dead, but we found that he was more alive than anyone ever in history," said a spokesperson. "If he lies in still vegetative state, it is only because he is stuffed so full of life like a big meal and needs time to properly digest all that life. So much life. Such great life."
According to the official statement released by the Korean Central News Agency, the dictator is not dead but is more alive than life itself. "Think of the most alive thing ever: a rambunctious toddler, a blooming flower, an angry bear. Pulsing, teeming with life: that is the very essence of our Supreme Leader."
"Doctors were amazed at how alive he is. Most alive person ever," the spokesperson said. He went on to say that Kim Jong Un ran a fifty-mile marathon this morning in under twelve seconds just because he had so much life in him he needed to burn off. "And after that, our great and glorious leader flapped his wings and flew to the sun, bringing down sunbeams from the heavens that our people might have the gift of fire."
"All hail the glorious and most definitely living Kim Jong Un!"