BEAVERTON, OR—All upper management personnel and top executives at Nike's headquarters have, sadly, passed away after they voluntarily stopped breathing.
They did this because Colin Kaepernick called their offices in a rage once he discovered they were breathing since racists in the 18th century also breathed.
"I thought we understood one another," Kaepernick said before quoting Frederick Douglass out of context in a passioned speech to the entire Nike board. "But then I heard you guys were still breathing. I thought you were better than that. You know who else breathed? Racists like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Benjamin Franklin."
"Honestly, if you want me to endorse your brand the next time I play a pickup game of football at the local park, you're gonna need to cancel your breathing." One exec attempted to protest, but Kaepernick wasn't having it. "I said your breathing is CANCELLED."
Realizing they had very little choice, the whole Nike leadership team saluted one another, held their noses, passed out, and died.
"Totally worth it," one exec said before the blackness took him.