NEW YORK, NY — Due to overwhelming pressure, the National Football League announced that it had canceled plans for rapper Bad Bunny to perform at the Super Bowl LX halftime show and instead offered the coveted spot to psychologist and author Dr. Jordan B. Peterson.
"It was never our intention to alienate our entire fanbase by organizing a Super Bowl halftime show featuring a performer whom all our fans hate," NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement. "Rest assured, the NFL takes our fans' feedback very seriously. Therefore, we are scrapping the planned show with Bad Bunny and will be replacing him with Jordan Peterson."
Peterson will reportedly deliver a 20-minute lecture on how football produces order from chaos and how it relates to lobster hierarchies and his ongoing research in spirituality from an elaborate stage outfitted with fireworks and confetti cannons.
"Football players are exactly like lobsters. They're just fighting over a ball," Peterson said. "So, of course, I had to accept. It's an honor to speak to a huge crowd in attendance to watch what are basically uniformed lobsters."
A brief excerpt from his lecture leaked online, of which a portion is printed here:
When you advance the ball ten yards, everything gets reset, just like if you apologize to someone you've wronged. Football is forgiveness in motion. Which reminds me of another thing about lobsters...
At publishing time, it had been announced that Dr. Peterson would also be singing the National Anthem.
Can a sombrero get you free healthcare?
