U.S. — In an effort to expand the global market for American football, the National Football League announced on Tuesday that next year's Super Bowl halftime show would be performed entirely in Sindarin Elvish.
After the huge success in reaching the international Spanish-speaking population of the world by making the halftime show cater only to them, the NFL had now set its sights on the next most obvious demographic: the elven population. Sindarin, also known as Grey-elven, is the most commonly used language of the elven population throughout Middle-earth during the Third Age.
"No elves are watching these games or buying merchandise," said NFL entertainment executive Hank Harvey. "The NFL has a large, untapped market for American football in the elven demographic, and if we can appeal to them, we have a great opportunity to grow and expand the league."
League officials were hopeful that expanding into the elven market would open up a new world of revenue potential.
"We know we have the white English speakers on lockdown already, and they won't leave, no matter how insulting we are to them, " Harvey continued. "So, to all the elves tuning in right now, I just want to say, Mae tollen an i NFL. Si i vad vad Amerigana!"
At publishing time, several names had been floated to headline the event next year, including famed singer and pipe-player Daeron, the chief minstrel to King Thingol, and Maglor, one of the sons of Fëanor and the composer of the Noldolantë.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
