NEW HAVEN, CT — Freshly transitioned to a woman, Leslie Roberson tasted the sweet thrill of womanhood this morning as she absolutely smashed her car into a curb.
"Whew! Sure feel like a woman now!" shouted Leslie with glee. "Better take the car into a mechanic now and get taken advantage of. This is great!"
Previously known as Bob, the newly minted "Leslie" had grown tired of deciding where to go to eat and being comfortable at ambient temperatures. "I just wasn't living my truth," said Leslie, turning down the thermostat. "Now I can take a hundred blankets with me everywhere I go and have completely preposterous mood swings. Wait, did I just close the garage door on the trunk?"
Sources say Leslie spent the remainder of the day making one sandwich after another, reveling in the joys of femininity. After learning how to do that turban thing women do with towels on their heads after taking a shower, Leslie then added seventeen more throw pillows to the bed. After Leslie turned down a high-level appointment in the Biden administration, Victoria's Secret called to offer a modeling gig.
"Wow, no one ever used to call me when I was Bob," said Leslie at publishing time. "Being oppressed is the best!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
