New IPhone 13 Will Require Vaccination To Unlock Screen
Tech

CUPERTINO, CA—During the much-anticipated unveiling of the new iPhone 13 at this year's Apple Event, CEO Tim Cook revealed that the newest model and iOS will ask users to confirm vaccination status before unlocking the screen.

"We here at Apple are doing our part to keep you safe by keeping our sacred products out of the hands of the filthy unvaccinated," said Cook as he paced the stage. "That's why starting with the iPhone 13, all Apple users will be required to scan their vaccination card in order to unlock their iPhones."

The crowd stood to their feet and cheered at the brilliant idea. 

"I think it's a brilliant idea," said Apple fan Mavis Bimbasquelch as he walked out of the event. "If those stupid dumb anti-vaxxers don't want to get vaccinated, they can build their own computer company. Also, I hope they die." 

Tim Cook confirmed he has software engineers and Chinese Uyghur slaves working overtime to ensure the "vax-verify" technology is ready for primetime. 

"We vow to bar the unvaccinated from connecting with the world," said Cook. "It's the moral thing to do."

You can check out the announcement video here:

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