ATLANTA, GA—After settling a lawsuit with Nick Sandmann over the network's coverage of the conservative high school student, CNN executives have put a new policy in place to protect against future litigation: all hosts must present their programs with their mouths completely duct-taped shut.
"We tried just telling our hosts not to say slanderous things about Trump supporters and high schoolers they disagree with, but it wasn't taking," said one exec. "So, we were forced to go to extreme measures: all of our on-air personalities will have their mouths covered with duct tape in hopes that it will prevent us from paying out any more expensive settlements."
"Mmmph!" said Brian Stelter. "MMMMPH!!!"
His colleague, Anderson Cooper, seemed to agree, saying, "HMMMMPH!!!"
One upside of the move is that CNN's ratings have improved dramatically, and waiting around at airports is now considerably more pleasant.
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