U.S. — The publisher Zondervan has released a new Bible translation where the words "if you know what I mean" have been added to the end of every verse in Song of Solomon.
"It reads so much better," said Pastor John Piper. "I really feel like this version best portrays the gist of what King Solomon was trying to say."
Called the "Honest Living Translation", project leader Dr. Stanley Higgins said the additions helped capture the true spirit of Solomon's writing. "We believe the latest scholarship shows that King Solomon most likely was giving his audience a giant wink after every verse," said Dr. Higgins. "How else do you follow up the line describing a part of his bride as twin gazelle fauns? The little phrase we have added hopefully conveys Solomon's sheepish grin."
Zondervan has graciously provided The Babylon Bee with a few excerpts:
Song of Solomon 2:9: "My beloved is like a gazelle, or a young stag - if you know what I mean."
Song of Solomon 6:11: "I went down to the nut orchard to look at the blossoms of the valley - if you know what I mean."
Song of Solomon 7:8: "I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit - if you know what I mean."
While many theologians have praised the update, some detractors have argued that the Song of Solomon does not contain any such innuendo. "We believe that the bride asking the groom to 'come into her garden to taste the choice fruits' was a literal invitation to her apple orchard," said Theology Professor Mark Leventhal. "Further, the groom 'grazing among her lilies' means nothing more than King Solomon actually stuffing his face with flowers. Reading anything more into these verses is wildly inappropriate."
Sources say that the new translation will also add the words "Boo-yah!" after each time Elijah calls down fire from Heaven.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: