ATLANTA, GA - Celebrations for winning the 500-yard freestyle at the NCAA Women's Swimming and Diving Championships were short-lived for convincingly female athlete Lia Thomas, as authorities caught her in possession of performance-enhancing testicles.

"Investigators will need time to sift through the trail of evidence right now," said NCAA's Head of Testicle Enforcement, Bob Huevos, while holding up a jock strap, the device suspected to have been used to conceal the contraband from rigorous testing protocols. "We suspect the swimmer used this contraption to keep the performance-enhancing testicles secured between her legs."

Blood tests of the disgraced, obviously-female swimmer have led Huevos to believe Thomas had a long history of using testicles to dose with powerful testosterone, perhaps beginning in early childhood.

"Long term testicle use like this may explain the female swimmer's towering height, powerful muscles, dense bone structure, deep voice, and bulging crotch," explained Huevos, "These permanent mutations from testosterone abuse would have given her a lifetime advantage over other female athletes even if she were to quit and go on estrogen. For that reason, Lia Thomas should be disqualified from competition."

This may not be the end of Lia Thomas' story, however. In the name of equity, diversity, and inclusion, the disgraced swimmer has been given a second chance with an invitation to compete as a collegiate swimmer in the NCAA Swimming And Diving Championships For Women With Testicles.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.