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Nation's Churches Announce Plan To Continue Ignoring Mental Health Issues

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U.S.—In a rare moment of interdenominational unity, the nation's churches announced a plan to continue ignoring mental health issues among congregants.

Despite increased awareness of mental health issues in the nation overall, hundreds of churches agreed not to do anything at all about the ongoing crisis in the country.

"We vow to continue pretending mental health issues do not exist, and simply encouraging our members to pray the sadness away," a representative for the coalition said Wednesday. "This truly is the best way to solve a problem: by pretending it doesn't exist."

Pastors and other church leaders said they would implement this new strategy from the ground up, never talking about mental health issues from the pulpit and never addressing them in private either. Leaders are encouraged to treat people with anxiety, addiction, depression, bipolar PTSD, and a whole host of other disorders "like they have cooties."

"If someone tells you they have depression or some other scary-sounding mental issue, just smile, nod, and slowly back away," one pastor said. "You could pat them on the shoulder and say 'I'll pray for you' if you really want, but even that's not recommended."

"After all, that's how Jesus dealt with people," he concluded.


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