U.S.—The nation took a break from cheering on the murder of babies to mourn the death of a cat, sources confirmed Friday.
The country that kills nearly a million babies every year was shocked to learn that Grumpy Cat had passed away. Millions paid tribute to the funny feline, saying the cat had brought joy and cheer to everyone. This all happened in a country that's "totally cool" with slaughtering the unborn and doesn't shed a tear for the murder of an infant who survived a botched abortion.
"We call for a moratorium on killing babies for a full hour while we think about how this animal has affected us all," said Planned Parenthood president Leana Wen. "It's so sad that a vulnerable, defenseless little creature like this has been lost to us. What kind of a nation would we be if we didn't care about the loss of innocent life like this?"
"We'd be monsters."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.